The modern world continues to leave me unimpressed and once again the bank is to blame for this.
My ‘local’ bank branch is in Newport, so for the rare occasions that I ever receive a cheque, if I want to put it into the bank I have to get to Newport to do it. However, when I opened the account my bank told me that I could drop cheques at the post office so that I didn’t have to go to town.
The first time I ever went to the post office with a cheque they said that they couldn’t do it because I didn’t have a paying in book. So I phoned the bank and asked for one and they said that they didn’t want to send me one because they didn’t like people using them. An odd thing for a bank to say particularly as paying IN books usually mean I’m paying into the bank so they have some more of my money to dip in blood or do whatever it is that they do with my money.
Eventually they sent me a paying in book, but when I returned to the post office ‘oh sorry Mr. Duke, you need the special envelope from the bank that allows us to send them the cheque and the paying in book.”
Oh for fucks sake, this is getting really tedious now. So, I phoned the bank ‘yes hello Mr. Duke, we would love to send you some envelopes we love you so much, we think your great etc” – Finally, something I want to hear!
But no, because today the bank have sent quite possibly the MOST ridiculous letter ever. A complete waste of time, money and resources has gone into the letter I hold before me, which reads:
Dear Mr Duke,
Thank you for your request for envelopes.
Unfortunately envelopes are not available on this type of account as all transactions are dealt with via your local branch.
THE BANK ARE REJECTING MY REQUEST FOR ENVELOPES?! It wasn’t even a fucking request it was me ringing up and saying GIVE ME SOME ENVELOPES SO YOU CAN HAVE MY MONEY FOR A BIT!
They posted me this letter in an ENVELOPE! To tell me that I can’t have envelopes because of the type of bank account I Have! Jesus christ, if I had known that I had registered for the anti-envelope account I would have taken my business elsewhere, like WHSmiths or the Works or something.
No doubt I will be ringing my ‘business manager’ later to discuss this stupidity. That’s right, I have a business manager, but I’m not allowed envelopes.
This article was brought to you by the word ludicrous.