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Food-Bank Bankers

Banking Crisis

With the rise of more than a million food-banks in this country, many fear the money-grubbing mega-twat fat-cats of the banking industry have set their piggy little eyes on a new prize – The Food-Banks. Like moths to a street-lamp, these ghoulish bloodsuckers and gold-bibbers can’t seem to keep away from anything with the word “bank” in it. Speculation first arose when billionaire arse-biscuit Lord Poshington Miser was seen rummaging through the aisles of a food-bank in London’s Richmond area.

Seemingly not content with ruining the economy and pocketing all our money, these immoral cockroaches have started buying up food-banks left, right and centre so that they can begin skimming from the top of a resource which is designed to feed some of the poorest families in the UK. One food-bank banker was reported to have paid himself over one million pounds worth of beef, pork and chocolate eclairs.

While top government officials waste time trying to work out whether these greedy food-bank banker wankers are doing anything illegal; ordinary, decent, hard-working folk go hungry. Mrs Chips from Dagenham was quoted last night saying: “I came here tonight to pick up some necessaries only to find that some c**t has taken all the food. There’s nothing left!” 

The Prime Minister has been silent so far on the food-bank banking crisis, many believe that this is simply because it’s rude talk with your mouth full. One reporter has managed to coax a comment from the wobbly over-stuffed chops of the PM today. Although difficult to tell from the recording it is believed the PM said: “Hurmphh… slurp… humfhumhumm… swallow… not illegal… chomp… hurmphh…. ahh!”

Fears that the Prime Minister may have received kick-backs from the food-bank banker wankers solidified last night as one member of the public saw an actual fuck-tonne of pastries, pasties and pies arrive at the doorstep of Number 10. The PM was unavailable to comment.

Such is the unnecessary greed of these snotty-nosed porkers and over-stuffed upper-crusters that anger is rising amongst the general public, and some say, rightly so. The increase in food-bank bankers has made day-to-day existence very difficult for large numbers of people and, with no action from the government, many are starting to take matters into their own hands. Mr Saveloy from Birmingham said: “We’re not going to stand for it any more! Enough is enough! These vultures are literally trying to buy up everything with the word “bank” in it! It’s despicable! Only the other day I had to stop two of the bastards trying make off with Chris Eubank! It’s just wrong!”

There will be more from The Shonk team on the food-bank banking crisis as it unfolds.

Agent X

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