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Art Thou Afraid?

Today, the government released controversial new plans to use creative-types as a cheap source of winter fuel. Prime Minister David Cameroon said: “Creatives aren’t as useful as normal people and they don’t contribute anything to society, so I thought we could use them for something that will benefit the rest of us. Poets will be especially good fuel because their blood is usually about 80% proof. The House of Commons will nice and warm this Christmas.”

The move has, somewhat unsurprisingly, been met with rapturous applause by Tory backbenchers, though a small minority of MPs have declaimed the plan as an outrageous and unprovoked attack on people’s basic human rights. In an interview outside the House of Lords, key backer of the new plans, Lord Smarmington Cockbrush said: “Human rights? Pah! We’re getting rid of those, and a damn good thing too! I mean most of these so-called artists are barely human anyway. And, I don’t see what the problem is, only last week they were complaining that we were cutting down too many trees! Now we’ve solved that problem, they’re still not happy… fucking hippies.”

Ted Topper, an artist from Somewhere, said: “The new government’s opinion of the arts seems to be one of: A superfluous waste of time, effort and resources with no sociological or economic benefit.” (A quote apparently taken verbatim from the Tory manifesto).

Arts funding has been cut from every single county council of the UK in an overhaul that takes us one step closer to living in a concrete-grey world of never-ending misery and despair, where the only life deemed to be worthwhile having is one that creates oodles of money for super-rich companies and the only vaguely attainable chance of happiness for creative folk is the onset of a quick and painless, untimely death.

As the world around us descends into a Orwellian dystopia with liberal amounts of Aldous Huxley’s Brave New World thrown in for good measure, creative-types are soon to be rounded-up like cattle, and fed unflinchingly into government-built super-infernos to create electricity for the House of Commons’ new under-floor heating system and sauna rooms.

This is not the first time the government has misused creatives in this manner, who can forget the 1984 massacre of thespians which took place in London when the Tory leadership of the time threw 170 aspiring actors into a wood-chipper and used them to compost the parliamentarian rose gardens.

The PM has released a recent statement about his views on why artists should be the first choice to source and bolster winter fuel supplies. “We all know these wishy-washy creative types are physically useless and most of them are over 83% wadding, depression or sawdust. They’re the perfect cheap fuel for a cold winter.”

One lone poet from Elsewhere hit back at the PMs comments saying: “I think learning about the arts and literature are more important than ever in today’s world; they are hugely beneficial to an individual’s quality of life, their philosophical and moral integrity and, ultimately, their humanity.” Since making this statement the unknown poet has recently met his demise in a freak harpooning accident on the banks of the Thames. Police are treating the incident as “hilarious”.

More on the government’s crazy plans as they unfold.

Art thou afraid? You should be.


Agent X

“Art is the lie that enables us to realize the truth.”  (Pablo Picasso)

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