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Hell – Under New Management

Evil vampire and media ghoul, Rupert Murdoch has resigned as CEO of 21st Century Fox and, in an unsurprising move, is now lobbying for the Throne of Hell.

This move has been suspected for a very long time, speculation dating back as far as the 16th Century when Nostradamus predicted the rise of a third Antichrist named “Mabus”.

To anybody of reasonable intelligence, this is clearly a mistranslation of the name “Murdoch” and the following quatrain details his rise to power:

The Prophecy

Mabus’ then will soon die, there will come
Of people and beasts a horrible rout:
Then suddenly one will see vengeance,
Hundred, hand, thirst, hunger when the comet will run.

(Nostradamus 1555)

The “death” of Mabus/Murdoch refers not a literal death but rather a metaphorical one that relates to his recent stepping down from the CEO of Fox News. Little did anyone know just how far Mr Murdoch would be stepping down to.

The “rout” may refer to Murdoch’s embroilment in the phone-hacking scandal and investigations carried out during 2005-2007, the details of which did not come to light until 2011. For those of you who are not familiar with 16th Century vernacular, a “rout” is defined as “an assembly of people who have made a move towards committing an illegal act which would constitute an offence of riot.” I don’t want to insult your intelligence by pointing out the obvious parallel between this and Murdoch’s sinister corporation.

The last two lines of Nostradamus’s prophecy refers to the Lovejoy Comet which was discovered in 2011 (suspiciously timed with Murdoch’s embroilment in scandal) and it also refers to the impending apocalypse which many believe will be caused by Murdoch taking over the top job in the dark and fiery underworld.

The Man

This year, on March 11th, Murdoch celebrated his 4589th birthday with a simple do involving bathing in a stone cauldron of orphan’s tears, followed by a 5-course dinner which included a Sorbet course, Beef Wellington and human sacrifice for dessert. Known throughout the globe for his long-standing reign of terror as a media mogul, he is perhaps less known for his night-time attacks on superstitious villagers in eastern Europe during the 17th and 18th centuries.

After relocating to Transylvania in the late 1800s Murdoch preyed on the weak, the young and the busty without remorse, and for many years sought nothing but the solitude of his dungeon lair and coffin-shaped en-suite bedroom apartment. (Click picture).

dracula

 

(Note that the film footage of Murdoch rising from his slumber has been cut short due to the horribleness of the image).

A feisty, young hunter named Van Helsing eventually forced Murdoch to retreat to the Australian continent where many believe he went into a deep hibernation and did not reappear for many decades.

There has always been suspicion around Murdoch’s activities but it is common knowledge that anybody that inquires ends up dead or vanishes off the face of the earth entirely. With his vast wealth, power and absolute control over every aspect of the world’s media and governments, is it any surprise that he is now looking to expand his sinister grip by taking over as the new Beelzebub.

Terrifying as this thought is, many are speculating if and when he will assume the throne.

One inside source was reported saying: “If Lord Satan… er… I mean Mr Murdoch… decides to go for the job I’m sure he will begin making changes immediately. For one, I know he feels that things have “gone slack” down below and I’m sure he’ll bring up the standards that any self-respecting Devil would hope to attain.”

A grave warning for anybody who knows Murdoch.

More on this story as it… Hello? …Is someone there? …Hello? … Oh god! It’s… It’s you… no, no, no…! Please… I have children! …. Noooooooooooooo! *Gurgle* *Splurt* *Gush* …Ahhhhhh!

*Death*

Agent X (scrawled in own blood)

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