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Aliens – Why they’ll never visit!

The more I see what humans do as a collective the more believable it is to think that aliens probably put us here in the deepest, darkest regions of isolated space because we’re fucking useless.

I mean fuck me, what would we say to the aliens? “Hey guys, come check out Kanye West” – If that doesn’t warrant demolishing Earth to make way for an Interstellar by-pass I don’t know what would. In a word humans are ‘destroyers’ that’s all we are good for. Look at what we do on a daily basis, you can’t make a piece of toast without having blood on your hands. We are more than happy to destroy forests, habitats that are much older than us, we’ll wipe out entire species so that some underpaid, under equipped father can barely afford to exist can gather the wood and put his life on the line getting it to a factory where women, children and every other type of human is exploited and made to work 1000 hours a day for a quarter of a penny building furniture for twats like us so that when our twat friends visit they can say something nice about the table and make us feel better about our self proclaimed miserable lives.

And what the fuck would we be saying to aliens if they got hold of all of the films that have been made about aliens? As far as they would be concerned the only place of any global importance is America and the American President speaks on behalf of everyone. Additionally as soon as you land, irrespective of your motives you will be captured and tortured by a country that spends billions of dollars a year towards space exploration and ‘making contact’. Talk about entrapment.

Then there are the million billion hypocrasies, idiosyncrasies and downright deackheadities of humans. We will idolise the likes of the Kardashians, a group of narcissistic fuck-wits prepared to go to any extremes to remain in the lime light but if hundreds of thousands of people flee a war torn country we don’t want to know. We don’t even refer to them as people anymore, they come ‘migrants’ – the Media insinuates that they are nothing more than vermin, a pest which should be exterminated and destroyed. It doesn’t matter that we were the ones that destroyed their home for profit (like we do with the rain forests, the ocean, the ice bergs, the sky, the rivers, the mountains and everything in between) it doesn’t matter that our greed and our need for instant gratification is a direct result of them being blown out of their lives. Please, go away Migrants. We’re trying to look through our Oak Furniture Land catalog for a new side table because I have a coffee morning (lol not Fairtrade, Nescafe of course) and I need the superficial people in my life to acknowledge that I have ample money to be spending on needless furniture.

People ask me why I rant so much!

It’s because everything is fucking wrong. To think that the universe was a blank canvas once upon a time and out of all of the realities that could have unfolded this is where we are. This is it. This is reality. We live in a world where more and more people are convinced that the Illuminati is a thing. The Illuminati should NOT be a thing, that type of thing shouldn’t even exist, except maybe in fiction. What the actual fuck. Music videos overly sexualised, drug use glorified, corruption, murder, destruction, Tories and powered Mash potato. If Earth is on the Tripadvisor of the universe it has no stars, zero, zilch not even the one that we slowly spin around as we fuck each other over everyday.

Oh hello aliens, welcome to Earth. Come and meet Iain Duncan Smith, he’s a great guy he actively takes part in the murder of innocent and helpless people and everyone lets him and he really enjoys it.

Oh hai aliens come and check this out! It’s called a nuclear warhead it’s cool as fuck. You should have seen how many Japanese people we fucking melted with this bad boy in World War 2. What’s that? Yeah we’ve had two world wars! Crazy eh, although we’ve had more than two wars. We just don’t number them all because it makes us look bad.

Hey aliens, welcome. Why not come and meet some people who read The Sun, they’re wonderful.

What’s that? Oh yes, Boris Johnson is a real mayor of an actual city. Kanye West might even run for presidency soon. With a bit of luck Paris Hilton can take charge of the UN and Lady Gaga is going to wear a dress made entirely of washed up dead Syrian children’s finger nails – Earth is great, you should stay.


I know this is a very long rant and I’m aware that articles shouldn’t be more than 10 seconds long these days because you need to beat your latest score on Angry birds so you just don’t have time to read anything anymore! It’s okay, go plug your Macbook in at Starbucks, order an Exploitachino and read it then, if it makes you feel better Google give us about a quarter of a penny per read and they don’t even pay Tax, how’s that for an immoral contribution?

The population of Earth has never been so high and the humanity of us all has never been so low. I know that none of us are perfect and we all need our vices but fuck me it’s gone to far now. It’s like a house party that’s gone on far too long and things have gone really dark and weird. In the words of The Strangler Somethin’ Better Change. But I don’t think it will. I genuinely think that we’re all doomed and I feel really sorry for anyone under the age of twenty because we have fucked everything up for you and if aliens do turn up in the future and you’re the ones to greet them, trust me they are going to be really fucking pissed off.

I know as well that there are people out there trying their fucking hardest to make the world a better place, some of these people are famous and some are regular joes but all of them are human people who see other human people as human people, even the dickheads. There are fantastic projects out there, charities, organisations and causes that do incredible things everyday to make Earth a better place again. Sadly though these people and these organisations are grossly outnumbered by those who live only for themselves and their own personal gain. People like Iain Duncan Smith and Adolf Hitler, people like the Kardashians and Paris Hilton and Nikki Minaj. Nothing but shallow, empty disgusting by-products of our ridiculously materialistic and overtly sexual day-to-day lives.

I mean, fuck me, I meet so many wonderful individuals all of the time, really lovely people all pissed off about the same group of wankers who are ruining the whole Earth experience for us all. This is potentially the ONLY life we get and so far it kinda sucks.

This is why aliens don’t bother coming to Earth. Because we’re dicks.

The national reading average for the UK is 8 years old.

Dukeofearl, reluctant human – for The Shonk

About DukeofEarl (74 Articles)
Co-founder and author for The Shonk. Site administrator and general human.

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