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Shonk Review: Shonk Wars A New Hope 2, The Force Awakens, Chapter 7 Remake 1 of film 1 which is film 4

Spoilers? Pfft, nah.

The last movie I watched at the cinema was Pocahontas 2, also known as Avatar. I don’t particularly enjoy the cinema, it’s expensive, there are a lot of people and if you need to use the toilet you miss bits of film. And you can’t smoke. For years I had been able to avoiding going to the cinema even leading to me forgetting most of the films that I’ve wanted to watch,┬ábut I was excited for Star Wars. The trailers and teasers were mesmerising, seeing how they went back to their old roots of filming and making the sets and costumes, it was beautiful. The excitement from the cast and crew was easily absorbed as I sat and watched them talk about how amazing it was to be working on such an epic and enormous film.

I felt confident that JJ Abrams could be trusted, after all he brought us the Star Trek films and I enjoyed those, as much as I am a fan of sci-fi I don’t look at it with forensic detail, if a film or series is good, it’s good, if not, it’s shit.

Members of the original cast would be present in the film, Indiana Jones, the bloke from Catastrophe’s mum, a guy we’ve not seen since Return of The Jedi, a living rug, dusty bin, the half-human half Oscar Award were among a few of the original lot.

A basic synopsis for ‘The Force Awakens’ is: A bad guy in a mask who is at least half Jedi wants to overthrow the government and reign darkness upon the Universe. The only thing stopping him is a ragtag group of rebels who as usual have gained access to the plans of the mega-thingy planet destroyer that he has. Rather than destroy it before its completion the rebels wait until an orphan and a morally changed bloke turns up with some crucial news and an overwhelming urge to suddenly help. Whilst making their way to the rebels the orphan and the converted have to be hunted down a bit by some stormtroopers who despite now being top of the range conditioned humans are no better than when they were run of the mill clones.

There are some alien traders who lack social skills, another band in another shady bar playing another bizarrely perky track considering the clients and also the destruction of a perfectly good planet. That bit really didn’t make sense for me, I mean, since the end of Darth Vadar surely the Senate would have put some sort of measure in place? Surely, much like governments of today they would feel the need to go to war, to defend what is good? A lot of time seems to have past since the end of the Empire (which begs another question, do people in this universe age slower than us, or was it not quite as long as people think?) The orphan gives the impression that the Empire was taken down hundreds of years ago, with her vague knowledge and skepticism to the existence of Jedi, but Indiana Jones’ space son looks like an 11 year old Snape who still has Darth’s mask (how the fuck did he get that?) so what’s the idea of time here?

Where do these people keep getting their money and workforce from to build enormous armies and planets that can blow stuff up? When will the universe far, far away learn its lesson.

The film as a whole was summed up well by my friend’s brother when he said that it’s merely ‘a really long introduction to the next film’. To me, it looks like a film that’s been put together in such a way that it makes a fuck-ton of money. Being so similar to the first film (the real first one) it reminds older people of what happened whilst showing it to younger generations in glorious HD because the first film to them, looks shoddy and crap. Young people, you really are stupid. You can’t just keep, re-making things. Please stop.

My biggest gripe apart from them killing Indiana Jones (sorry, there are spoilers) is that in this film they use the gunner posts in theMillennium Flaggan. The only other film they have been used in was A New Hope, even in the massive battle in Return of the Jedi, was a single shot fired? Nope. Everyone forgot about those guns, but suddenly here they were again, just like the first first film, or the original first first film, as opposed to the remake of the first first film which is also the seventh film.

Look how revitalised the Star Wars franchise is now, toys everywhere, memes, edited videos of John Cena fighting Darth Wimp, it’s Frozenmania but for Star Wars people, Starwarsmania. Hmm, there do seem to be similarities between Frozen and Star Wars…. I’ll let you work that out though.

I left the cinema disappointed, despite loudly exclaiming my glee when they find The Millennium Nova, or when Indiana Jones and his weird dog turned up, the whole film left me… whelmed. I hope that my friend’s brother is right and it is a long introduction into what is going to be a great second film (second in this series, not the second in the original series, or the second order, or second of the new films which are now technically the old films). But you know what they say about sequels and if there is one thing that this franchise has a lot of, it’s a lot of sequels AND prequels. What’s next? ‘At this present moment in time, just up the road…’ live action Star Wars in your very neighbourhood. Keep that idea away from Shayalam, or your neighbourhood won’t be your neighbourhood and you won’t be you.

It had good bits, but overall the story was ropey and the film was too much a carbon copy to the first film (the first FIRST film)


Feel free to leave your superfan based abuse below, it’ll amuse me.


About DukeofEarl (74 Articles)
Co-founder and author for The Shonk. Site administrator and general human.

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