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Un-Nited Britain and the ‘Politics’ Following Brexit

Dark times ahead, dark times behind

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Well shit…

21 Days have past since the referendum results were announced with an almost neck and neck result, favoured slightly for leaving the EU which is apparently due to happen at some point, in the future, if the people who apparently run the country decide to get their shit together.

Politics has literally boiled down to schoolyard antics complete with back-stabbing, name calling, gangs and truancy. David Cameron, who campaigned to remain decided to Resign as Dark Overlord to pursue his private ambition for pig farming. Wait, farming, is that right? Anyway, he had plans to vacate office in October, likely he had some more sinister tasks to carry out across the summer into the autumn, like banning low earning households from attending firework shows, or introducing a leaf kicking tax for disabled people.

I always thought that I would be over-joyed when Cameron decided to throw in his pig-spunk covered towel and call it a day, but it left me with a heavy feeling in my gut. Not because I felt sorry for the animated waxwork, but because there was no alternative that I felt safe being in the hands of. Our options at the time looked to be the unchosen Augustus Gloop stunt double and former King of London Boris Johnson, a man who seemed to absorb everything his father had taught him and less. The floundering gusslefuck based the safety of our entire economy on the export of a good British cake. What a lad!

The human fish and inspiration for the children’s character Pob was also briefly on the cards for becoming the next Prime Minister. A man who coated a Reporter in saliva during an interview where he announced that people were ‘tired of experts’. Quite right Michael Gove, what we need is a fucking idiot to get us out of this mess, much like they got us into it. By that logic you’ll be King of Un-nited Britain in no time.

Spade-to-the-face victim and straggly fingered womaniser Stephen (I have) Crabbs was also pegged to go up in the world after years of unsuccessfully playing footsie with Carwyn Jones in order to gain the knowledge of where we actually keep the dragons so that he can privatise them. Sadly, Mr Crabbs resigned after word of his ‘Nandos and Banter’ attitude to women and politics became known to the mass media.

Liam Fox looks like a man who really enjoys the company of conservatory salesman, I picture him living in a 70s self-build bungalow, with a little vegetable patch and an obsession with buddleia. If only that was true, but rather than plants Mr. Fox seems to really like war. He was in favour of the Iraq war, the Afghanistan war, he is against Iran having WMD (which, by Blair’s example, leads to war), he is a supporter of Israel, he believes that if conflict is required to ensure the seizure of WMD from countries he doesn’t like then it should be fine. He wasn’t a fan of the EU, he loves the special relationship that the UK and USA supposedly have (related to TTIP maybe?) and he doesn’t think that gays should be allowed to marry.
He was also the MP to have the highest figure in the expenses scandal and was made to pay back the most. What a stand up guy, so it’s just as well that he was eliminated as well.

Then there was Andrea Leadsom, oh Andrea, what were you thinking? Andrea is a women who looks like she is from Aylesbury before you even know she is. She just looks the part, the middle class, horsey loving, organic carrot purchasing, basket carrying harlot that wears clothes once before announcing why she couldn’t possibly give them to charity as it makes people lazy as she burns them in front of a homeless person. One thing I can agree on is her stance on the fox hunting ban one of the many acts that now hangs in the balance. Leadsom, however does something that I can’t stand. She brings religious views into politics, disgusting. Doing this has allowed her to say things like “I’m sure that same sex couples can love a child as much as a heterosexual couple, but God says it wrong so I don’t like it” – This sort of illogical double speak is something we need to steer away from in politics, not enhance.

So by now you’re probably thinking ‘well, having read about this lot you surely dodged a bullet. I mean, you’ve got someone half decent running the show now haven’t you?

Wouldn’t that be nice, but alas no. We have Theresa May, an example of what happens when a Dementor fucks Emperor Palpatine. May is calm, collective, fierce and doesn’t seem to care at all what people think. These might be great attributes for a salesperson but not for a Prime Minister, she is another person who has brought along a suitcase of religious morality with her. Potentially putting us somewhere in the dark ages. In fact, she already has us coughing our lungs up on the way there as she axes the Climate Department. Who needs research on proven climate change? Who needs companies to act within sensible guidelines to ensure the future of the planet? Nah, not us. God has a plan, I’m sure. This matter will now be dealt with by a new department, the Department of Business, Energy & Industrial Strategy. This conjures up the image of scientists and oil barrens arguing over a mahogany table, paid for by tax payers over whether or not all of Yorkshire should be fracked. In most cases, especially with the corrupt government that we live under businesses win. The biggest issue concerning global warming (we won’t go into it too much now) is that people do not act on anything which does not seem to be immediate. The global recession was predicted, no one did anything, gun crime continues to cause mass hysteria, death and division in America, no one does anything. Israel, no one does anything. Bernard Madoff’s fraudulent Ponzi scheme was predicted, no one did anything. Theresa May and her new cabinet of morons will reign hell for the non-elite and nothing will change.

Yeeeeeeeeeeeey.

Theresa May’s other hobbies include: Wanting to spy on people, giving important jobs to unqualified, overpacked scarecrows, ensuring that her husband receives the best deal with regards to Prison Reform and she favours ambiguity when it comes to human rights.


Then there is Jeremy Corbyn and all that drama. What I didn’t know is that we seem to be experiencing some sort of rare Equinox that allows any one person to blame Corbyn for anything regardless of his involvement or lack thereof. Fascinating, Brian Cox hasn’t mentioned it once.

Jeremy Corbyn has been and continues to be a calm and collective pillar of awesome in the filthy waters of modern politics. His policies and views are unchanging, unflinching and nothing can phase him. This makes him sound similar to Theresa May and in these respects you might be right, but what he isn’t is another tool who allows money to buy him over and relies on religion to forgive his bigoted views, because he doesn’t have any.

One thing that has annoyed me since his rise to Labour Leader is the way that the Speaker of Commons has allowed the opposition to speak to him. We’re all familiar with what Cameron had to say about the way Corbyn dresses, was does that tell you about the Tories? They’re just bullies and the Speaker allowed it.

Take a look at when Farage stood up in the EU and announced that not one member of the European Union had ever done an honest days work in their lives. Not only was it massively insulting and completely contrary to his point about “acting maturely to ensure the best deals are made” the speaker of the EU politely asked everyone to remain quiet because it was his turn to speak. When you take those two events and look at them in tandem it speaks volumes about the mind-boggling childishness of The House of Commons.

Suddenly, Corbyn was ‘unelectable’ and one by one his shadow ministers literally drifted into the shadows. Most suspiciously of all was Angela Eagle, wow did her body language do her any favours when she announced that she was standing down? Did it hell, she had been so bought that she still had that fresh carrier bag smell that day and I bet the bag wasn’t paid for.

Since then, the german schoolboy posing as MP for Wallassey has gone on a ‘Corbyn is unelectable’ rampaign (rampage campaign, yeah?) whilst failing to outline any political differences between her and her former bezzie. Who got to her?

Given that Labour membership is at an all time high I doubt very much that Corbyn is unelectable, I think what we are seeing here is fearmongering. As members of the Brexit Brigade realise that they have made a mistake and as the justifiably angry liberals realise that they’re not going to stand for this shit anymore, Corbyn’s strength will grow.

We are seeing him being likened to Obi Wan Kenobi, but by that logic we do need a Luke Skywalker. If Corbyn is going to fly into the Death Star with the intentions of destroying it he needs a rag-tag crew to go with him. Also, if Theresa May does strike him down we need a young Labour Jedi to witness it and go after the Empire having stopped off to train with Yoda (maybe Dennis Skinner?). Anyway, if the analogy is true then we’re currently down a character.

A Quick Summary of ‘Murica

America has upped its game to be the most bat shit crazy country in the Western World since the referendum. It is, in our opinion on the brink of civil war. This has been a result of enforced racism, the ability for any idiot to become a police officer, the lack of gun control, their inability to talk about gun control, the fact that the CDC has $100,000 a year in funding for research into guns, by our (debatable) calculation that is 0.014% per year of their $7.07 billion dollar budget. That isn’t enough money to hire an intern for a year and give him nothing but Google to carry out research with. How can a country who has such an issue with gun violence justify that? It just adds to the insanity.
There is an enormous racial divide, more so than ever since the uploading of a video showing a police officer shoot a gentleman after pulling him over in his car. Since then, more and more people have been arrested or shot including police officers. When anyone is shot and killed it is a tragedy, when you consider that once upon a time they were little more than an idea dreamt up by two people who wanted a child. Then they came to be and in many cases grew up and went to school and created memories, experiences, they contributed to the world, they were human. Then a tiny chunk of metal fired out of a device at the hands of another human has wiped all of that out. I think the police system across America is 50 shades of fucked up but I would never wish death on any officer or any human. There would have been a day where that officer was proud to have completed their training, they could serve society and provide for their families. Something a lot of us aspire to do, and, just as unjustly as many of the police shootings, these people have had their lives struck short. And for what? Because ignorance, hatred and inequality has been drilled into the heads of so many people.

This is the country that the likes of Liam Fox thinks we should have a special relationship with. I disagree. Whenever I hear a Politician talk about a special relationship with America I think they’re saying it out of fear.


 Closing Words

I once heard a theory that the universe is similar to a balloon in that it will expand to its maximum capacity before collapsing inwardly on itself. The person went on to tell me that when you’re in the middle of ‘the balloon’ you can’t tell when it is expanding or contracting, ergo it looks like it’s always expanding. To me, that is what is happening in the world. The year 2000 was the year of maximum capacity, we were hurtled into the 21st century with ideologies of liberalism, peace, technology and unity. It’s now 2016 and we are being hurtled backwards to point zero. Years of war, political tension and sacrifice that has provided us with free healthcare, the chance to live freely without fear, the knowledge that a government can be trusted, knowing that you can walk along a street safely, it’s all gone. Everything is going backwards and we never even got close to our target.

Either change happens now, or it just won’t and that’ll be that. Humans aren’t important, the world will recover because it is better than us, bigger than us. We treat it like a frat house, like its temporary accommodation, like someone can pop by and patch it up. I’ll reiterate something that everyone should know, this is it. This is all there is. Look at your children, if you haven’t got children don’t look at other people’s children because they don’t like it, but think about children – they inherit every bad mistake that we, as a whole make. If you smoke whilst pregnant you’ll harm your baby before it’s born, if you abolish environmental laws, the caps on emissions, you’re doing the same thing but for all children.

That said, I already think it’s too late.

About DukeofEarl (74 Articles)
Co-founder and author for The Shonk. Site administrator and general human.

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