HISTREE

The Shonk…

‘To express one’s feelings as a whole and to take in the experience bestowed upon oneself during a time of musical therapy provided by the genius of the musician is to truly live and’ – The One-True Shonk, c1600

began circa 1600 when Porvelius Shonk for the first time ever, documented his experience of listening to a musical piece being played on a Lyre by Holuxford Greene. Porvelius Shonk recanted his experience aloud on street corners of his hometown and soon realised that people would come and listen to him to gauge whether paying a pebble for a ticket to Greene’s next show was worth it.

According to Porvelius Shonk he was deeply moved by Greene’s lyre playing as it reminded him of his time as a child, living in a tree alone atop a small hill. The nostalgia was warm and inviting, like an old sock and as a result of this Porvelius’ documentation of same was considered the first music review ever. So graciously well-received was Greene to his new found fame as a result of Porvelius’ review that he allowed Porvelius to travel with him and document other musicans that they encountered. This became a newfound family tradition and in 1850 The Shonk was officially incorporated by Hansmark Destepio Shonk in Taunton with a little gold plaque outside and everything.

The organisation operated smoothly and continued to grow until Hoozman Gruff, the first 20th century media maverick began to notice how much impact The Shonk was having on its readers. In 1988 it became clear that the Hoozman Corporation had played a long game and during one of The Shonk’s worst periods of musical journalism (because it was the bloody 80s!) the H. Corporation swooped in and carried out a corporate takeover.

Thus began a dark regime of actual journalism, wittering on about politics and crime and hedgehogs. It was a truly miserable 20 years and it felt like all was lost, there was synergy everywhere and computers and electronic replication machines and all kinds of stuff. Lots of staff were brought in and no one knew who they were and they had no respect for the well-established old ways of doing things that had seen The Shonk right for hundreds of years.

Then one day Hoozman died and his shithead son took over the company but was only interested in cocaine. A ragtag group of original staff members along with an unknown staff member from the tech department offered to buy The Shonk from Hoozman Jr. for a gram of the good stuff. He promptly accepted and handed over the ownership thing, contract?

The Shonk Towers had been scheduled for demolition in 1997 but The Great John Shonk refused to vacate the family owned penthouse on the top floor. Despite several attempts from Hoozman and his cronies it transpired that the door to the penthouse is impenetrable so he was left to reside there and the rest of the building was used for old newspaper storage.

The new and excited proprietors of The Shonk were excited to take it back to its routes and concentrate on what really matters, music and words. They returned to The Shonk Towers and were surprised to find The Great John Shonk alive and well after hearing that he supposedly vanished in Devon. Overwhelmed with joy that his organisation had been saved TGJS appointed Arbiter Tavis, the former reception lady. Upon her retirement years later TGJS appointed (to some protest) DukeofEarl, a former Hoozman journalist turned to the ways of The Shonk. Despite building trust within the team they were reluctant for him to be given such a powerful role but dared not to question TGJS’ judgement.

For a few years DukeofEarl successfully oversaw The Shonk and it was once again at a level that it was in the 70s when all the music was great and everything was exciting. However in 2009 DOE was witnessed looking stressed in his office during a conversation with the aforementioned tech staff member Titan. A few days after this altercation seven people in dark suits turned up with a piece of paper expressly expressing that once again The Shonk had been taken over by another firm. Something DOE had sworn never to let happen again. TGJS stripped DOE’s Arbiter title and removed his sash, passing it onto the now appointed Arbiter Titan. The takeover fell through and once again The Shonk has been allowed to rise up like a bird-on-fire and conquer the airwaves with internet words about music.

  • Lorretta Pattsmitten, Curator of The Shonk museum & gift shop

The purposes of The Shonk is to document the stream of consciousness experienced by our journalists at the time in which they are listening to the music. Overworking an article is a punishable act under subsection 4 of Porvelius Work Guide 1610